I have Stonehall'd all. Stonehalled-all.

Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Right, let's be chronological.

 

The last time I blogged, it was a day or two before I went down to Southend.

And I was worried about going because of the cuts on my arms.

 

So when I was there - first day, I wore my green striped hoody, second day I had an arm-warmer on, and the third day, I wore the hoody again. And I slept in long sleeved pyjamas.

 

 

That aside - I only had one battery for the mp3 player I borrowed from my mam, and it lasted up until the morning of the last day. Not bad.

 

I shared a room with nana, and we got free sachets of coffee, tea and hot chocolate with a kettle and stuff - so I had hot chocolate each night before bed.

 

I took the extra one home with me, and I drank that a few days ago, because it was really nice.

 

Nana brought ham sarnies and chicken drumsticks and Jaffa Cake bars for on the journey down - and we stopped at a Little Chef to eat on the way back.

 

And it was there that I had my most expensive crisps ever.

They were 99p - and I've had better ones for 10p.

 

 

When we were in Southend, we went to see the family down there.

My great Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy, we went to see for about five hours on Saturday, and for another three on Sunday morning.

As they do every single time, they made us ham sandwiches on Saturday, and cheese on toast on Sunday morning.

 

They're both really nice - never stop talking, never run out of things to say.

But I do feel sorry for them, they're both in their early 80s. Betty doesn't get out much because she has dodgy hips and knees.

 

She likes me though.

I like her too.

She seems to have high aspirations for me... I can't understand why.  

 

  

Then we went to see Alice and Charlie - who are in their mid-80s.

They scare me, they scare me a lot.

 

Then there was Robert, my mother's cousin - who I hate with a passion.

I sat there in silence for the entrie time.

Of course, mother said I was ignorant, but she can piss off at the moment, which I'll explain why further down...

 

 

...So, the week at school.

This week.

 

Hmm.

 

The only good things are that I've got myself a B for my Science coursework, and today I managed to round off all of my IT coursework.

 

 

Parry has signed me up for counselling - and despite how much I protested, I was forced.

I was downright fucking forced.

 

I do not like the idea one bit - I know I'm being unfair, as everyone says, I'm not taking their advice, I'm throwing it back at them, whatever.

I know I'm being unreasonable, I'm well aware of that.

 

But the worst - oh, I was betrayed.

When I first started talking to her in year 10, I was told my parents would never need to be told about my self harm issue.

 

Yes.

So mother was called in on Thursday afternoon, and told everything.

 

Somehow, I don't think that's quite keeping it fucking quiet.

 

 

So my mam told me what she thinks of me.

She hates me - she says my only good quality is my intelligence, and that she'd rather have a thick kid who was nice.

 

Apparently I'm the most horrible person in the world, I'm ignorant, anti-social, lazy and ungrateful.

 

Yep, that's me.

 

 

And today I've had two of my friends leave me, because they're cunts.

 

 

Though, Emily loves me, she's always there for me.

Adam loves me, he's not going to leave me after 10 years.

My new friend Reiss loves me, he's there to listen.

Sammie loves me, she said she'll never let me go.

 

 

And my daddy loves me.

He's being so nice to me.

 

He bought me a squishy puffer-fish toy and made me pancakes for  breakfast.

He keeps tickling me and babying me.

 

I poured my heart out to him yesterday, told him about my self harm and how I want to end life.

He said even if it doesn't help, I'm always welcome to talk to him.

 

I love my daddy, and my daddy loves me.